What a load of Uwe Boll'ocks!

Now I’m not a Uwe Boll detractor. The man is honest about why he directs the films he does; he wants to make money not masterpieces.

But this 2008 DVD release starring Jason Statham, he of the icy stare and rugged good looks, and supported by the gorgeous Kristina Loken, is dreadful. Watching the banal plot unfold left me feeling besieged in my own home!

Statham is Farmer and to be honest I was never sure if this was his name or every one was simply referring to his occupation. Now Farmer lives in a village in the kingdom of Ehb and one day his wife and son set off to sell vegetables in the big smoke, the town Stonebridge. While they are gone Farmer’s farm is attacked by some of the worst special effects I have ever seen, known simply as the Krug. Crap would have been more apt!

Farmer and his mentor Norrick played by Ron Perlman of ‘Hellboy’ fame, travel to Stonebridge. Here they discover that Farmer’s wife has been captured and his son murdered by the Krug. And like all could fantasy tales the hero is set on a quest of rescue and revenge supported by a posse of kick arse heroes. Sadly for Farmer and for us, all he’s got is Norrick and Farmer’s brother-in-law Bastian played by Will Sanderson (he’s been in like virtually everything Boll has directed).

Now one of the most important things in any film, but especially in the fantasy-game genre, is your villain. He has to be the antithesis of your hero, he has to be remorseless and without conscience, a thing of primal terror. What your villain must not be is called Gallian and played by Ray Liotta. Because despite the size of the evil army of bad special effects you’re amassing to overthrow the King, regrettably played by a plastic faced Burt Reynolds (maybe he was just embarrassed to be in the movie), no one is going to take you seriously.

The whole move drags us kicking and screaming to the completely expected confrontation between Farmer and Gillian. Along the way the road to hell is populated with hundreds of Krug despatched by Farmer and his pals. The action is frenetic but does nothing to make this movie anything other than appalling.

Boll continues to adapt video games with 14-16 year-old hormonal boys as his primary target audience. I only wish he wouldn't.

And of course the decision to use European Power Metal bands for the sound track just added to the sensory rape and pillage!

Why Statham and Loken ever agreed to being (there was hardly any acting on display) in this movie, I’ll never know. ‘In the name of the King’ should have been put out of its misery at conception!